The Benefits of the Absence of Friends

Mood: Augustana

Quote: "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." -William Blake

Why sometimes it is better to not care:

• You will be disappointed
• You will invest time and effort
• Eventually you will get no return (see first bullet)
• You will get screwed in the end.
• The results are inevitable

Blog: Here is the low down:

Friday Night:

1. See two quote unquote "primary" friends at football game.
2. Talk to friends, as well as various other people at football game
3. Decide that after the game we (as a definite collective unit) should attend the stag dance after the football game.
4. Game ends, 42-o (our win).
5. Talk to ex-Human Biology teacher because he is awesome
6. Get phonecall reminding me that I missed one friend's drum solo (oops :-(
7. Participate in Spanish clean-up, meet and talk to cute sophmore cheerleader.
8. Think about cute sophmore cheerleader girl.
9. Go to stag dance (as intended)
10. Try to call/text "primary" friends
11. Find out that friends have gone to some girls house
12. Go to other girls house
13. After making some phone calls, find out what girls house.
14. Call girl (D-walk answeres) try to convince him to give the phone to "primary" friends
15. Hear, "Its ? Don't answer it."
16. Text one "primary" friend , "If you need to talk call me. I heard you on the phone, I can go down to 's house and we can talk there.
17. Within thirty seconds, recieve phone call from one "primary" friend

Thats how the first part of my Friday night went. Of course then our conversation proceeded:

"Dude what's up? What's your problem?"-Me

"Nothing."-Him

"You didn't call or text, I went to the stag dance because I thought you were going to be there. What the heck?"

"I don't know"

"I heard you guys on the phone, what's going on?"

"We thought you could take the hint."

"A hint? What do you think I am, a girl? Dude, I don't play pussy games, be a man. Tell me straight up, if you don't want to hang, just let me know, I went to the dance, it sucked, but I thought you guys were going to be there, thats why I went."

"Sorry, we won't do that next time."

"You could at least tell me, 'Oh sorry I forgot' or 'Go to hell' or something, I don't want to have to play these girl games with you."

"Sorry, just thought you could take the hint."

"What? That I should go to hell? Just tell me go to hell?"

"Umm, well, I guess. See, Casey (girl) was just sick of Albino and he was bugging her, and she told us not to say anything. And yeah."

"So Casey is worth Albino and my friendship? Is that what your saying?"

"I don't know, its not just her, its like twenty other girls. It was like all or nothing."

"So a bunch of silly girls are worth two people who have been your friends since freshman year?"

"Umm, I don't know."

"Well tell me right now, just tell me 'Go to hell'. Why didn't you just say something?"

"We didn't want to be rude."

"You didn't want to be rude? So hiding like little girls was better?"

"Umm. I guess not, it won't happend next time."

"So you were to pussy and didn't have a backbone to do anything? To tell me to 'Go to hell' straight up?"

"Yeah I guess not."

"Whatever dude. So I'll take it as 'Go to hell'"

"Yeah. Maybe we should hang tomorrow."

"Unless of course you want to hang out with people that don't like me. They're probably more important."

"Yeah."

-Hang up phone-

Throw phone at comfy chair, "Fagotts, I hate you."

Sit down, watch Mean Girls.

This is how I realized that it is better to not have friends. I knew it was coming (see previous blog post), I just didn't know when. To be honest it sucked, it sucked bad. To wake up the next morning and realize that out of your five "core" friends one remains, and he almost doesn't count (primarily because he's your neighbor). It sucked, but life moves on, and so, by default you must too. This is what happens to me, I always get screwed over by friends. Always. The first time it sucks. Than you think it doesn't really matter, and it happens again. It may be different friends, but it happens (see first post). It is a law of the universe, I always get screwed over. It is a fact I'm just realizing. A fact that has come to me just barely, something that won't change. I always get screwed over.

Now one must understand, I don't have a love interest, so a lot of the time I would put into a relationship I put into a friendship. Obviously some people don't care that much, they only care about themselves. Only whats important to them, how it makes them feel. Now they "feel bad" for what they did. They "feel bad" four days later, and think they can make nice with Albino and relay a message? I think not. So as these invertebrates crawl through school, scuffling to and fro, approaching me as if nothing happened, that because they feel like crap they need to apologize. I don't do something to fulfill self-righteous desires, just because they want to feel good. It takes a lot more than words, a lot more than words to erase that night. A lot more than words to erase the deeds done, the words said, the feelings felt, the time I layed on my bed and wanted to cry. It takes a lot more than words. A lot more than anything to erase what happened, to recover something before that time. They should try filling in the Grand Canyone, it might be easier. I do not get screwed twice. Never. Not anymore.

A friendly wave from across the street? So what if it might have been wrong, the erected middle finger felt good. For once, I'm doing what made me feel good, without thinking how they felt. Now I know, I don't need friends. I thought I knew it once, but now I know.

Friends screw you over. Suck up your time. Always pretend to be fine. Lie to your face. To save them some. Forget when you were there, what you have done. Forget what they did, why they're there. Forget the support, how you relied, how they depended. And all your time brings back nothing. Zero dividends, zero benefits, you might have well not worked.

That is why having no friends is better. My nights are free, I have not obligations. All I have to think about is me. Besides, sometimes the price is too high. In the words of a once-friend:

"Its all or nothing."